I could have a belly button ring and sexting Justin Bieber and my daughter will not think I’m cool.
A positive attitude and vegan diet? Christie Brinkley is a fucking liar.
Every month I wonder, “is this the last tampon I will ever use?”
How do I wake up bloated?
Is it insensitive to my husband to open our lovemaking session with “turn me over”
I don’t think I should parent.
Summer camp is is g-d saying ” I got u Jen”
My family is enough but my friends are the best bonus.
Rewashing your silverware because you don’t feel like putting it away is good for the silverware
When did the ability to frown become criminal?
Did Ruth Madoff know?
What must Trump look like naked?
Will my kids call me when they are grown and out of house?
Did that Bar Mitzvah dancer really like me?
If men needed bikini waxes would they be more sensitive human beings?
Is a teenage daughter incapable of saying “what?” in a nicer manner?
Does my ex boyfriend still want me?
Are squats really that important?
I wish I could approach the town bitch and say something great like “you are such the town bitch”
Why do I enjoy playing with my chin hair so much?
Why am I growing so much hair?
Why did I waste so much time caring about stupid shit like daily showering?
I still think Clueless should have won an Oscar.
My kids love me.
Dinner planning has caused me too much stress in my life.
So I’m asleep by 9pm, so what?
Is Captain Crunch that bad for you?
Cliches are true!!!
Actually I do think the grass is greener sometimes.
Where are my fucking socks?
I think four Clorox wipes can clean an entire home.
I don’t think Khloe’a ass is real, and I want to touch it.
I don’t always need to be right in my marriage, but in my notes I always am.
I’ll take laughing and peeing anytime.
Being in a book club doesn’t mean you are middle aged just means you are smart and have found creative way to get out of the house.
You can be greedy when it comes to memories.
I’m married 21 years?
I wish life was as easy as a towel and sheet wash and dry cycle.
It takes a lot of effort to be mean…even though town bitch makes it look easy.. damn that’s what I should have said to her!
Focus on the little pleasures in life like m&m’s mixed in your movie popcorn.
Maybe Gwyneth isn’t so bad.
Sweats are so comfortable….In the dark!!
I knew Angelina was no good.
I’m so happy I don’t care what people think of me anymore.. wait, do you like this post?
I’m telling everyone I’m 44.