Dear Bread,

I am so sorry. I don?t know how to say this. Remember when we spent time apart before Jack?s Bar Mitzvah? How I told you I couldn?t see you anymore because not looking bloated in pictures was more important to me than anything. Even Jack acing his Torah portion? And it worked. Not seeing you made people ask me if I had a stomach virus.

But I told you I would see you again. And I did. The very next day. And we were good together. We had your friends over, Cream Cheese, and Nova, and it was great! And things were really okay for a while. But I feel that our relationship isn?t good for me.

So we have to really break up this time for a while. You see, there comes a time in a woman?s life where she has to ask herself some important questions, like, ?Why is Scale mocking me? ?Why did someone offer me their seat on the subway?? And I thought back, and it?s you, Bread. It?s you. We get together, and it takes me down a road difficult to veer off of.

Sure I smile when I think back on our memories. Dipping you into my delicious mussel broth, the swim in French Onion, or the time we got together with Mozzarella in Florence. I?ll even save the pictures.

But knowing you is a gateway to me becoming an extremely angry person, a person Jeans doesn?t want to play with. And just stop blaming it on gluten, sure gluten and I have our own issues, but being with you makes me think I can be with other things, too. Bread, you are a gateway. What can I say? You run with the wrong crowd.

So maybe it?s not forever, but for now, I must say goodbye. Don?t look at me like that. Trust me, I will miss you more than you miss me. But I have to do this. You think I?m going to like settling? Don?t you think I know Kale is the boring guest at the party? Or Quinoa? Quinoa is the nose picker at the party. I know whomever I choose, t?s not going to be like it was with you….

but Christie Brinkley is 61, okay!!

No bread on that boat.

There is nothing else to say.

Goodbye. I?ll make sure to pack up your things.