Listen. I fought it for as long as I could. But it had to be done. People were in danger. I was putting myself in danger. I had to put aside my fears, my own emotions for the good of others.
I had to buy reading glasses. I’m forty-one and I can’t fuc*@!! see. I was in a store today, trying to figure out what size tights I wear, and I couldn’t make out the height or weight section, so I told the salesperson I was a “B”. Like I was guessing on a scantron or something.
So I have decided to bring the reading glasses with me in my purse and not leave them at home like a dirty little secret, kind of like I used to do with this blonde blue-eyed boy I dated against my parents’ wishes.
And because I am a glass half full person, I can see the benefits to this new addition in my life:
1) I can read the labels on the Botox boxes.
2) I will now know the ingredients in Japanese Hair straightening products.
3) I can now learn about my son’s life by reading his texts.
4) I will now be able to make out the style codes in items of clothing I like, copy them, and search for them on sale.
5) I will now know why I have been getting fatter, because the Mac and Cheese listed on my food app was never 240 calories, it was 1,040 calories.
6) I can now read More magazine, which for some reason, I just received in the mail. Is there some sort of flyer that goes out announcing I am of the age to read More magazine?
7) When I go to the Selena concert tonight, I will be able to read her set list and get my voice ready for the next song.
8) Now I can put batteries in anyone’s flashlight because I can see the +/- inside.
9) Now I can read all of those “Sex after Forty” magazine articles. From what I understand from the article, number 8 will come in handy.
10) I can read the warning labels on my Vodka bottles. “Do not attempt to simplify fractions while consuming.” It says that! It does!
11) I now read what all of last week’s fuss was about with Kim K’s butt. Did you know it was this big?
12) I will now perfect the sexy librarian look.
So folks. What can I say? It’s inevitable. So you might as well embrace it, get some cute ones, and admit that Botox and Japanese hair straightening have some crazy shit in them!
If you are in the market, a friend of mine bought me a great pair by eyebobs.