If someone were to ask, “What is the sex life of couples married for eighteen plus years?” I would try to make my answer as relatable as possible.
The sex life of married couples of eighteen plus years is like the Sex And The City marathon you randomly catch on the E! network. You are so excited it’s happening, and you want to be involved even though you’ve seen most of them before, and usually know what is going to happen next.
I thought about it some more. I am so obsessive about trying the newest product to help me look younger, shouldn’t I be devoting the same research and effort to keep my sex life young and fresh too?
You know already I read Men’s Health magazine, and I am really good at casually bringing the topic of sex up with my friends, “Hey, are you going to get the Greek Salad, and where is the weirdest place you’ve had sex? I’m getting the Caesar with Shrimp.” Sure, both great provide great research, but I set out to do more.
And I’m actually pretty proud of myself, because I have already thought of three ways to spice it up.
- Netflix tantric sex.– So I’ve read over and over how Sting and his wife Trudie, in their fifties, married over eighteen years, have this crazy tawdry sex life, and they practice tantric sex. It’s my understanding that tantric sex involves holding a static sexual position for a long period of time so that sex can last for hours. Okay. I’m game I guess, but if we are going to be in this for hours, why not also start a new show? You know the show, the one that every forty something asks you about, “Omg, Have you seen ..? You have to. Do yourself a favor and sit down for hours and just watch it.” Well, watch it I will. And when I go out with that couple again, and they ask me, I will say, “Omg, you were so right. Amazing show, and Scott and I were in Cowgirl position for seven hours while watching it.”
- Doing it in other places than the bedroom: There are some who suggest changing things up in the bedroom by not always doing it in the bedroom. It can be exciting I suppose to be intimate in different locations. And I have the perfect place. Scott’s office is right near where I go grocery shopping. I’ll give him a call, with a really sexy voice, I will say, “Meet me in the Publix parking lot.” I”ll have Peter Gabriel’s In Your Eyes playing on my radio, bada bing, bada boom, he’s happy, it’s an adventure, and I have time to run in and grab stuff for dinner.
- Experimental Sex: Listen, I have seen some scary shit on the internet. I don’t even understand how certain parts of our bodies work that way, but the only way to not be an old married couple is to experiment, try new things. That’s why I came up with Tempur-Pedic sex. You see, again, when you get to be forty something, and married, the big, “we really need a new mattress” discussion will inevitably happen. Then, on another Saturday night, could be the same couple from number 1, or someone different, they will tell you that their lives have changed since they bought their Tempur-Pedic. Then Scott and I go home, and have quite a long discussion about how if we purchased this insanely priced mattress, our lives too could be changed. “Scott, our old mattress could actually be killing us. We could probably look and feel younger if we get the Tempur-Pedic. If we feel younger, we could work harder, if we work harder, I can get that purse I’ve been eyeing, ipsofacto, we need the mattress.” Fast forward, we now own the Tempur-Pedic. So to the experiment. You know how their commercials show you how you can jump on the foam mattress, and the wine glass doesn’t spill? I thought, let me combine two things I love, Drinking wine, and my husband, and test their claim. We will have crazy sex, (did I mention we also got the feature where you can elevate the different parts of the bed,) and then I will leave my wine glass right next to us, and I will take sips intermittently, or… freak out when it spills. Crazy, I know, but couples need to experiment.
I think we are on our way to making Sting and his wife look pretty dull. And I don’t want to brag, but I’m thinking these ideas could make me the Dr. Ruth of our generation.