It usually starts with a group text…. Let’s celebrate so and so at this place, this time, there will be a group gift. I love my friends. I think a birthday is important and they should be celebrated. So I promptly respond in the group text that I will be there… then I quickly go to the setting and turn on that magical do not disturb button. Don’t judge me, but the constant texting can be a bit distracting and I am too busy imagining what the night will be like.
You see when you get up in your 40s, birthday dinners change a bit.
Here are the top ten things that are discussed at every birthday dinner:
- The Menu Talk. Everyone volunteers to eat whatever anyone else orders, because no one can read the menu.
2. The Colonoscopy Talk. Someone at the table just had one, then they ask, “Have you had one? You should get one.” Then we all discuss how we can’t believe how old we are that we need to get one. And I’m telling Siri under the table, “Remind me to call to make a colonoscopy appointment.”
3. The Cosmetic Procedures Talk. Listen I share. Maybe I don’t list it all, but if you are doing shit to your face, why lie? I can spot a Botox face anywhere, so don’t try to tell me with a straight face that you found the best moisturizer. And you think maybe just once at these dinners I can find one person who has actually had a vaginoplasty? Because Zumba and three natural births, not a good mix.
4. The Kids Talk …how busy they are, how great they are, how smart they are. Just once I’d like to say matter of factly, “Today in Biology class, my son discovered a new cell that will help doctors cure at least 50 known diseases. No biggie.” I mean, what happened to the good old days where we could freely complain about them, or talk about how much they masterbate?
5. The Good Recipes For A Crock Pot Talk. Why is it that in your 40s you have to own a crock pot? I literally had never heard of one before. Now I find out I need to prepare my food at 7:00am for dinnertime, that our food needs to be soft, and everything we eat needs to be “pull ready”?
6. The Bread Talk- should we order it? How long shall we keep it on the table? Who is eating it? The true goal is the find at least two other people at the table willing to eat it. Then you guys create your own posse.
7. The Election Talk. Of course this applies to current birthday dinners, but at some point in the night we need to talk about something intelligent so we all don’t just Thelma and Louise ourselves before the cake comes.
8. The Sex Talk …. How often? What types? What toys? The unicorn at the table who likes Blow Jobs. The thing that our guys don’t realize, these birthday dinners can get raunchy, and we can talk like Trump more than the guys.
9. The Am I In A Good Seat Inner Talk. If it’s a super big table you start to notice seat insecurity, asking yourself, “Am I at the best spot for the night? Can I maintain a good conversation flow with the birthday girls’ cousin for the duration of the dinner?
10. The Hope I Get Invited To Another Dinner Talk. You think about your next birthday dinner and try to make as many friends at the current dinner to secure an invite. Hey, it’s better than having to stay home and cook dinner for your family.
***Of course I have The Clothes Talk. I have a uniform for these dinners. (And check out the current sale and more birthday dinner choices at Shopbop