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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
I have ripped off every one of my fake nails. I am definitely drinking more this week. I am breaking out. I am on edge, calling my best friend an asshole when she asks me where we should have lunch. “What’s wrong Jen?” I am sure you are asking. Camp trunk packing. I would rather get waxed in public. Three kids, two trunks each. Listen, this isn’t my first time at the rodeo. I have been packing trunks for a while now. I can do it. What makes … Continue Reading »
You know how all moms will tell other women that they just can’t imagine what it’s like to raise a child until you become a mom yourself? Well, I can tell you exactly what it’s like to have a thirteen-year-old boy, even if you never have a child. It’s like being on the most awkward first date ever!! You sit there, the date has nothing to say and you are totally unsure if he likes you. You ask him a question and get one word answers, and … Continue Reading »
I was shopping in a Theory store the other day. Sitting in the dressing room I watched a young girl buy her New York City wardrobe. She was interning there this summer. I told her I too interned in New York City, but back then I bought all my work clothes at Ann Taylor, and I looked mighty spiffy. I told her how much I loved that time. How much fun she was going to have. I also told her when I liked one her outfits and … Continue Reading »
Last week my family returned to Disney world. We hadn’t been back since 2006 and my son Jack wanted to revisit his youth before he turned the big 11. The Magic Kingdom doesn’t change. With the exception of a few new rides, all was intact. Pirates of the Caribbean, The Jungle Cruise, and the not yet diagnosed but definitely clinically insane Disney pin traders.
I was, however, struck by one change in the park: Cinderella. She looked like shit!! Now put on your suspension of … Continue Reading »
How do I know I am a good mom? When you think about it, there are few things that we know for certain we can do, and were taught to do a certain way. Like riding a bike, tying our shoes, driving a car. But, are we ever taught how to be a good mom? Growing up, I was lucky I had a good mom. Love unconditionally, stayed up with me while I finished my homework, always had dinner for me, and bought me pumps at … Continue Reading »
The other night with my girlfriends we discussed attending the Maroon 5 concert. They emphasized they wanted to get as close as possible to Adam Levine to better their chances of sleeping with him. I listened with much amusement, all the while thinking, “We are just too old to be fawning over rock stars.” At this stage in my life, I need a sure thing. Of course I reminisced about my time in high school when I made my way to the front row of the Bon … Continue Reading »
You know you need a break from the everyday when you start offering sexual favors to your hubby if he would agree to take one of your kids to team pictures. You say prostitute, I say tired mommy. Actually, I’m not even that tired. I just didn’t want to fill out another picture form. Really, I want to be done filling out all forms. But the picture day forms are the most annoying, and then you have to wait in the Florida hot sun for your … Continue Reading »
I am back from my family vacation in Colorado. For one of our dinners we went to hibachi. I am sure all parents have gone to hibachi. It is my kids’ favorite type of restaurant. Me, every time I go, I am a little grossed out. The stove looks dirty and contaminated. I am sure I will have major food poisoning later on in the night, I get hot and sweaty, but most of all disgusted by the amount of fried rice I can eat. Nonetheless, my kids love … Continue Reading »
I am going to talk about a serious form of discrimination I have been experiencing. I am a good person and don’t think I should be victim to this kind of treatment. It’s called real housewivist. This is when I tell people I watch the Real Housewives franchise and they look at me with those judging eyes, as if I am less then them. As if my TV isn’t as good as their TV. I am here to fight for my rights, and the rights … Continue Reading »
You know how we all think our kids can be really dumb. That wasn’t a question. But admit it, we think a lot of what we do and say is way over their heads. Because of that, we may curse at a driver with our kids in the car, we may fight with the hubby in front of them because we think they won’t get it or aren’t paying attention. We may watch certain shows in front of them we shouldn’t, because we think they … Continue Reading » |
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