I am lying on the table. Still a little out of it. But awake enough to hear people around me. “Why is her gown up?” one nurse asks. “It was a mess in there!” the other responds. I think they think I am sleeping. Did I just hear them discussing that I -you know what- on the operating table in front of a minimum of four people? It’s colonoscopy day and I hadn’t followed prep instructions that great. I am thirty-nine, had just completed my third colonoscopy, and my second poop on a table….. That I know of. The last time was when I delivered my first child.
So lying on the table with my gown at my waist, still under the effects of anesthesia, I came to the conclusion that I need to change things up a little.
Change things up a little is code for “mama is going to lose it if she doesn’t start doing something else…something other than pooping on tables. Some may call this a midlife crisis.
So how does this crisis manifest itself? Sometimes very innocently. Like when a 16 year old bag boy from my grocery store tells me he wants to have kids very young and I throw him against my car and beg him to go to college, find a good career, be married for a while then think about having kids.
Then there are times when I am shopping at Abercrombie and I stare with disgust at the cute sales girl and scream, “Listen bitch, I am just as cute as you and my body is still hot enough to wear these jeans that will reveal the top of my vagina. Now get me a size four and lower that music.”
I trip the salesgirl on the way out, strutting in my brand new jeans. For that moment, I am okay with turning forty.
Superficial tip: Make friends with older people.
Jen Ross, Author “Dont Wear Sweats Or Your Husband Will Leave You”