Aging, Humor,

I’m Going To Be Fifty This Year, And I’m A Know It All

To be perfectly honest. I’m not that psyched. And don’t write into me that the best years are coming. Or Age is just a number. Or any of that crap. Or “look at Jennifer Lopez. She’s over 50.” Let me tell you about Jennifer Lopez. Yes, she looks incredible. You know why? Cause she has gotten to fuck many different men in her 50 years. Her JLo glow? Not from her skincare line which is probably just a concoction of Clearisil and Noxema. It’s from always being in the start of a passionate love affair every few years along with scheduled daily beauty appointments. Me? I lie to my husband. Every time I go to the dermatologist I tell him that I have to get a suspicious mole checked. I think he’s actually starting to be concerned.

As for the sex, well after 25 years of marriage, now , I imagine he is Ted Lasso and he’s super positive and all he does is compliment my love making ability. 

For us mere mortals, 50 is a difficult transition. We remember our parents turning 50 and politely asking them if they would prefer to rest in oak or pine. 

50 is when our nest empties, and the questions start coming. What have I done with my life. What will I do in this next chapter.  What does this expiration date on the salad dressing say? Why do I need to air fry stuff? The questions are endless. 

Truly the only good thing about turning 50 is ironically, I do have most of the life stuff figured out.

  1. You are going to meet all different kinds of people throughout your life. Good, bad, and in between.  In 6th grade, I lost my best friends because I couldn’t stay after school that day. No amount of smoking weed will make me forget that. But when you meet the right people, kind people, they change your life. And never stop getting excited over meeting a new friend. People should come into your life in all stages of your life. You are not meant to go through life alone. Except maybe through a good sample sale. 
  2. There is no correct path in life. There is not one way to go. Playing it safe is not always the safest route. Try different things.  I still maintain though to not wear sweats to a party. 
  3. People place so much importance on finding the one. The One partner, the one dream job, the one perfect home.  Life is sliding doors. Everything that happens leads you to something else. Maybe more than one thing could be a “meant to be”.  Like Bangs. I never committed to bangs and I think we could have worked out. 
  4. I wish I only judged myself. Imagine a life where your decisions were never molded by others’ judgment.  Except singing. I can’t sing. Lots of people have told me.  
  5. Having kids is wonderful, beautiful, magical. But don’t let it be everything to you. They will have their own lives sooner than you think. And you need your own as well.  At least that’s what I learned when I read my kids’ journals. 
  6. Your knees are going to sag, a waiter is going to make a “I’m gonna need to see some ID” joke, you will start to think certain readers are cool when reading a menu, and get excited to read that menu at 7 so you’re home by 10, but never stop fighting the good fight. I’m still looking to have fun, be a derelict now and then, look sexy, and get hit on by a 39yr old. The real trick is to find a dermatologist who is also a good listener. So when she asks you to frown when she is injecting the botox you can also sob and she will be sympathetic. 

But the most important lesson that makes me a Know It All. Most of “it” is complete bullshit. You’re born, you live, and then you die. In between, you want to love, and be loved. You want to be kind. There are great times, boring times, horrible times, and in between. Don’t get too excited or rattled by any of it. It sounds cliché, but haven’t you realized by now that a lot of clichés are kind of true? Really it’s the small stuff that matters. Streaming a show and Everything But The Bagel seasoning is really enough for me. 

OH!! a probiotic. Take a probiotic.

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