A Mom Has Quarantine Sex

Sophie Monk flaunts her toned legs and cleavage in silk robe ...

It’s April 22, so we are about 6 weeks in. I’ve shared with you changes in my personality, changes in my shopping habits and my recent to do list.

Now, as I feel close to all of you because we literally are all in this together, I want to talk to you about quarantine sex. 

When I was a young counselor at camp, I’m ashamed to say that one time I got down and dirty in my cabin while my campers slept in the other room. But, I was young and daring. Now in quarantine, I feel like I am in a full cabin of campers. And I’m not that daring and reckless anymore.  I just sprayed my paper plates that were delivered to me.

Sex of course is important and I’m not saying I’m not doing it, I’m just saying I’m not loving it. My kids, who are old enough to know better come in my room without knocking whenever they want. They come in because they ran out of soap, or need toilet paper, or a face mask. Basically, my room has become their personal CVS. 

In the morning I wake up early, usually I open my eyes around 6:30am, do my panic self talk, “We’re still home?” “Are we going to be okay?” “Why did I have a chipwhich at 11:00pm?” then head downstairs for coffee. I watch the news and shit only gets worse from there.  

 As the clock strikes 8:00am I get my booty call. Literally Scott calls me and says something super romantic like “come upstairs”. But by 8:00am along with my anxiety list, I have moved on and grabbed a brown paper lunch bag and started breathing into it. Then I have to think about what the fuck am I making for lunch because I find it to be a super difficult meal to figure out. We haven’t all been home together for lunch since I used Dragon Tales dishes.  

So night is out because of my CVS store, and did I mention, I pass out a lot…no reason. And later mornings aren’t appealing because I am super anxious.

I consulted with a mathematician from MIT and he ran the numbers and the only time to do it is 6-630am. So I wake up Scott because let’s be honest, any guy can be woken up and be ready to go. 

I also consulted with my best friend who gave me even more brilliant advice. First, only have sex on days you’re doing laundry.. efficient, and have sex on days you need your husband to help you sanitize the groceries…whore.

I’ve accepted that our sex life right now might not be tip top, but sex is important in a relationship so effort must be made. I mean if I have 30 minutes to put my gloves on to sanitize my Amazon package after I’ve kept in my garage for 5 days I think I have time for sex. 

Asking for a friend, does Lysol irritate body parts?