We all know one. We all ask ourselves, “Why wasn’t I pretending to tie my shoe when I saw one?”
I call them the tilapia killers. Let me explain. Women more than men are a funny group. We can be the best source of support and information for one another, and then there are those special friends who make us question our entire belief system.
When I became a vegetarian years ago, fish was one of the few foods I would still eat. I learned many recipes and one of them was tilapia. It was yummy and I felt healthy. Till one day a friend told me tilapia has no nutritional value whatsoever and I was doing more harm than good by eating it. Basically, tilapia was the worst fish ever and I was poisoning my entire family and myself.
Tilapia killers (“TK”) are like Debbie Downers. They make me fearful of apple juice, household cleaners, drinking, dairy, and good inappropriate movies. They make me feel stupid for valuing a Bravo franchise. Quite frankly, they make me a nervous wreck.
Tilapia killers think they are helping, but they just make me question if my kid chose the wrong school course. “Oh, he’s only in Chemistry?” She questions. “Well, I know that most kids are taking advanced Biology and MY KID is close to discovering a new element on the periodic table,” Tilapia killer shares.
“I’m now taking probiotics,” I proudly declare at lunch with TK. “Oh, you’re not taking fish oil? You’re going to forget your own name by 43.“
Tilapia killers also love to offer statistics about college admissions, or about how early kids are doing drugs in school. “You don’t check your kid’s phone? He’s probably doing crack.” They tell me that Juvederm kills and that straight leg jeans will cut off my circulation and I will eventually clot to death.
It’s like they pop out of nowhere. At Sephora, Julia and I are trying makeup. All of a sudden, like Flo from those Progressive commercials, TK appears, “Oh, you’re letting your daughter wear makeup? I read a study that says early makeup use leads to an increase in STDs.”
But you know what I think? Ignorance is sometimes bliss. I was very happy eating tilapia and letting my kids watch a movie about a kid and his Teddy Bear. And I was very happy letting my boys in the hot tub without worrying whether I will have future grandchildren. I was euphoric drinking diet coke and devouring gluten filled subs.
The reality is, if you are going to live this glamorous suburban life, tilapia killers are all around us. I guess it’s our job to learn how to protect ourselves against them.
Kind of like in True Blood or The Walking Dead.