Humor, Husbands, Relationships,

A Mom Has Hotel Sex

Don't we look so happy at the hotel? Well, we're back, and now I find him a little irritating.

Don’t we look so happy at the hotel? Well, we’re back, and now I find him a little irritating.

So Scott and I just got back from a great Bahamas weekend getaway with friends.  Everything was perfect.

I love going away with Scott.  We relax, we talk about things other than kids’ schedules and who has to be where and when. We drink, we hold hands, we drink a little more.  I like him and he likes me.  We are so happy we don’t even mind the five dollar charge for a bottle of water.

One of my favorite parts of an adult getaway is my afternoon hotel time.  After a long day in the sun, we go up to our room and here’s the schedule:

-Raid the mini-bar

-Watch TV/Pay Per-View

-Sex

-Doze off

-Strategize where we will be sitting at the dinner that night with the other couples. “Okay, you distract X, I will take Y to the bathroom, and then head to the middle seat.”

-Fight over who takes the shower first so that you can get ten extra minutes in the comfy hotel bed.

What is it about the hotel sex that it’s just like the hotel bed?  Both are more enjoyable and can never be replicated at home.

Hotel Sex is free from distractions and stresses, and you are probably a little more tipsy than usual.   Truly, if I am not seeing double when I get in the room, I haven’t had a successful day at the pool.  “Babe, you want to have sex? Sure, I’ll do it with the guy on the right.” Another positive about afternoon hotel sex? If you do it in the afternoon, you can come home late at night after your big meal and night out, and……………. go right to sleep.

So I guess the hard part in any marriage is trying to take a little bit of the hotel attitude back home with you.  I know that within a day of returning from vacation, I forget I was on vacation, and that I liked Scott so much.

What to do?

1. After dinner, and homework, and putting new ink in the printer, take at least fifteen minutes alone with your guy. Have a glass of wine, go somewhere and have a nice kid-free conversation.  A great time is when the kids are reading.  If the kids are really young, pop a video in, and if you are the type that wants their kid to only watch educational stuff, put on Jon Stewart.

2. Make your bedroom a place you want to be.  Invest in great bedding, have candles, and pretty accents.  Place a card on the bed that says “Welcome To The Four Seasons, don’t forget to do it!”

I think this is the bedroom from my favorite movie Something's Gotta Give, but it works.

I think this is the bedroom from my favorite movie Something’s Gotta Give, but it works.

3. Time your sex.  Unfortunately, not that romantic, but sex is better when you aren’t worried a kid is going to come in, which seems like it will always happen.  Give the kids fun earplugs and tell them if they take them out they will be scarred for life.

4. Most importantly, remember that hotel sex is an attitude and not necessarily the place.

If you don’t like these suggestions, try prepackaging your q-tips, putting chocolates on your pillow, and placing all of your dirty dishes outside your room.

And if even after that, you still don’t get that hotel feeling, try renting the Kim K. sex tape. But be warned, your husband might keep saying, “Why can’t you be more like Kim?”

Subtle, don't you think?

Subtle, don’t you think?

So I booked a salon appointment to get more blond highlights, and I bought a new bag. But I don’t think that’s what he meant.  Without giving too much away, just know, Kim K. could never pass for a Jewish girl.

Tags: going on vacation with the husband, marriage, relationships, relaxing at home,