The other day, right after our kids left for school, I looked and Scott and asked, “Babe, do you think X is done growing? Is he tall enough?” Annoyed, Scott questions, “How am I supposed to know that? What am I supposed to do about it?”
What followed was a legitimate mini-fight. We had a good chuckle afterwards, but of course I started to review all of the dumb fights we have had throughout our marriage.
- The Pillow Fight. No, not the fun one, or the guy’s dirty dream one, an actual fight about the pillows on our bed. Scott complains daily. “You have to get new pillows. I don’t sleep.” “Okay honey, let’s go together because I have a different head than yours and don’t know what you find comfortable. And I am a little too old for Three Little Bears and “This one’s too soft, this one’s too hard.” And I warn him, “I am not sure what I will do if you make me go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond numerous times to return pillows.”
- The Tank Fight. I have ten white tanks. Scott doesn’t understand why. Repeatedly, I have to explain each one’s purpose. “This one I wear to the fields. That one is fancy. That one is for when I am skinny. That one is when I try to persuade the express lane clerk to take me with more than ten items.” Why doesn’t he get it?
- The Dinner Definition Fight. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I am pretty good at preparing what we will have for dinner. I am just not that gifted at the cooking of the dinner. So I will make sure everything is ready to go. Like a sous chef or 8th place on Top Chef. Then Scott will ask where dinner is, and I say, “Please make my salmon well done.“
- The Reality Television Fight. Do you know I am not allowed to watch any reality television in front of Scott? No Housewives, no Kardashians? He claims those shows are “stupid”. I tell him if he really loved me, he would watch them, and then we could discuss them after in excruciating detail.
- The Razor Fight. I believe in a community razor. Scott would enjoy his own.
- The Air Conditioning Fight. If I raise it to 78 degrees, does it become 78 degrees? Scott is not amused.
- The Outfit Fight. Sometimes I will get dressed, be very pleased with the outfit I created, come downstairs, and Scott starts to laugh. That is not very supportive. I’ll show him, I’m getting overalls.
- The Deep Sleep Fight. Everyone has had this. A kid comes into your room in the middle of the night. I believe the rule should be, the parent who sees the kid first deals with the kid. Not, scare the shit out of the sleeping parent, and say, “Babe, she wants you to take her back to bed.”
- The Homeland Fight. Actually, This isn’t really a fight. We both agree. Homeland lost its mojo. Carrie always gets out of the fuc!*ing car!! Why can’t she stay in the car?
If you really break these mini-fights down, they are not too bad. I guess I could have my own razor, and even try my hand at the salmon. But when I come downstairs in my cute outfits, I want him to applaud!
*In the Spirit Of The Upcoming Holidays, Share This With Your Friends. It’s Cheaper Than Amazon.