Last night I was taking meticulous notes during the Bachelorette. You see, I have been watching the new season with my son Jack and daughter Julia. It was a bonding experience and now that they are at sleep away I want to keep them up to date. So I take notes while watching, copy and paste them, and put them in a bunk note email.
This morning as I have many mornings, I woke up in a panic. What did I do? I remembered suddenly that in one of the update letters I wrote, “OMG, Rachael really likes Brian, they don’t stop making out, they are definitely having sex this season.”
Now my kids are teenagers, they of course know about sex, but all I could picture was the camp supervisor reading their email and questioning my fitness as a parent. Did I mention I also described a hot tub scene?
I guess on paper I don’t seem that fit of a parent to an outside person. Which is why I now have to really be careful with what I send.
This letter I was planning on sending Julia will have to go in the trash:
Hi honey how’s camp? You like your counselors and your area mate?
I forgot to tell you a few things before you left,
Shave!!! Everywhere! Your bikinis show stuff and I had a bad experience at camp when I was your age. Just saying, I was the first Jenna Bush.
Along that theme, when your monthly friend visits you. Be protected and tuck that string in! You would never live that down.
You know, your body looks different than last summer, and boys will notice. So make them give you their extra pizza bagels at dinner.
Your girlfriends at camp are the best people you will meet. They will be friends for life. You will also meet some real bitches. Smile at them, then when they are sleeping take their underwear and give it to the boy’s cabin.
I really want you to appreciate this time away from technology and Snapchat. Connect with people, talk to them. A real conversation. I couldn’t take one more day of you scrolling through pictures of people sticking their tongues out. TBH, I actually pictured your first day at camp with you and your friends just leaning side to side making duck faces to say hello.
I also think it’s important for you to try new things. You might find something you love. Oh, and trying the new show Riverdale isn’t what I mean. I’m talking riflery, make an acceptable lanyard for once, or become ga-ga queen.
And listen, another thing, I went to camp. I’m not stupid and I know kids your age are starting to go to the designated camp spot to make out. So, brush your teeth after canteen. Nobody wants to see a chipwich chip in your teeth.
Before you left for camp, I had been finding that you were getting a little self conscious about stuff. Like you get too embarrassed, not allowing yourself to be silly.Remember you are only 13, and camp is the place to be as silly and weird as you want. I mean, your camp songs are painfully ridiculous. I want you to bring some silliness home with you.
Most important, can you please try to win Camper of the Fucking Week? In between my naps and bottles of Rose, I read the camp newsletters looking for either yours or Jack’s name. How hard is it to kiss some counselor’s ass and keep your cubby clean?
And Color War? You’ve lost the past 4 years. Do we need to burn rope in the back yard for you to learn? Do we need to write camp songs to Despacito in the off season to bring some glory to this family?
Please know that maybe some of your cabin mates aren’t as lucky as you to have this motherly advice, so please feel free to share. I miss you so much.. and you are welcome….going to drink now.