It sounds cliché but it?s true, as you get older, time goes faster. It?s just so hard to believe that the school year is already over. Not sure if you know this about me, but I?m not a big fan of school. Sure I want my kids to learn so that they grow up and have great jobs so that they can afford to take care of me, but in terms of the actual school year and what it involves, well, I could do without a few things:
Waking up early: My youngest needs to be at school by 7:50. Although I am an early riser, my daughter is not. So every morning for the past 180 plus days, I am met with a ?NOOOO, I don?t want to get up. I don?t feel well.? “I think you are just tired,” I explain. ?Oh, so you don?t believe me? If Jack said he didn?t feel well, you would let him stay home.? Then it?s the whole birth order conversation, then she only has time for a cold waffle, not even enough time to say Leggo My Eggo, which I thought would be really fun to hear when I had kids.
Homework: It?s not even that bad, my kids? homework. I just don?t like talking about homework. “Honey, do you have homework?” “No, I don?t.” “You don?t have any homework? ” “No.” “Do you have any projects you can work on?” I press. “No, I?m good,” he assures, never losing eye contact with me. “Sweetie, I just think you can use your time to get ahead in a few things if you don?t have any.” “I?m fine, Mom, I?ve got in under control. Fast-forward to the next morning, and my kid is hiding in the office typing quickly and trying to print. Jokes on him though, cause I stopped at Starbucks the day before rather than go to boring Office Depot.
Class Parties: I have been room mom in at least one of my children?s classes every year they have been at school. Being a room mom at school is like being the Robert De Niro Character in a Martin Scorsese movie. You get a little respect, can get stuff done, and can get rid of people who aren?t cooperating. I know, pretty impressive. Take that Marissa Mayer, President of Yahoo. She doesn?t seem so impressive right about now, does she? But the pressure I feel as room mom to make a great holiday party for these kids, or forget about it, the end of the year party, well, let me tell you, it can keep you up some nights. And don?t even look in my garbage, because the boxes of wine tell quite a story. Do you know how hard it is to come up with creative minute to win it games? Or how hard it actually is to wrap a fourth grader in toilet paper? And forget about themed cookie design, these kids wouldn?t know what a reindeer looked like if it kicked them in the face.
Sports: I love that my kids have each found an activity that they love. I think it?s super important for kids to have at least one thing they enjoy doing out of school. I don?t mind the driving to and from. I always remember the water, or the golf clubs, and Julia?s ponytails are pretty salon worthy. But you know what practices interfere with? A family dinner. Talking. Connecting. Interrogating.
The Talking With Other Moms: Don?t get the wrong idea. I enjoy talking to other moms. I could just do without the talking to other moms about what their kids are up to or studying for. Some Moms even post on Facebook about how much their kids are studying for a certain test. Or how far along they are in the science project. I am convinced they are talking directly to me. ?Hey lazy Jen, have you even asked your kid if he needs materials?? Then I panic, yell something to my kid like, ?Are you studying, so and so has been studying for three days straight. Do you want to be a failure in life? Do we need a Bunsen burner?? So let?s just keep it to ourselves ladies. For me, this household runs much smoother when I am in the dark about things.
The Dance Recital: This is the finale of the school year. Julia?s recital. I wait overnight to buy tickets for her two minutes of glory. After Julia?s Broadway worthy, Julliard scholarship dance, we sit through three and half hours of strangers? kids dancing. The outfits are hideous. I am not quite sure who is designing these monstrosities, and I?m not quite sure how they come up with the $120.00 price tag, but I want in. And of course, most dances aren?t very good. Not for nothing, but after the seventh set of the three-year olds? dance where the kids, adorable, yes, but after a full year of class still don?t know what the hell they are doing, and they stare at the sidestage to their teacher, well, if I were their parent, I would have to have a serious one on one asking them their intentions for a dancing future. Really, if you ask anyone who attends a recital, a lot of the time we all look at each other as if to say, ? You kill me first, then off yourself.?
I could name a few other things that I will not miss from the school year, but then you?ll just judge for me not being able to simplify fractions. I do think it?s pretty safe to say we are all pretty happy the year is over. And when our kids come running off their bus the last day of school, and you cry, and they think it?s because you are so proud of them, we know the real reason. It will be our little secret. You?ve done good, mamas. Enjoy the summer, and I?ll meet you back in the fall in the boxed wine aisle, it?s next to the No. 2 pencils.