Last night I was so excited to check out my friend’s baby registry. It’s crazy. My oldest is almost 16, and so much has changed with baby registries and what’s out there now for a baby.
I bought her a ton of cute stuff for her baby due in November. Some toys, a cute bouncy seat. This baby will have it all. But because I love my friend so much, I thought, this isn’t nearly enough. I must do more.
Then I had a genius idea. What if in addition to the Buy Buy Baby and Babies R Us registries, etc., there were advice registries? And when you clicked on them, you would get experienced parents’ gifts of advice?
Well, this is what my Advice registry for my friend would look like:
1. Don’t worry so much about studying to become a mom. Waste of time. Sure I read What To Expect When You’re Expecting. Sure I took a lamaze class. Bottom line, all you should expect when you are pregnant, you get fat, and towards the end, when you walk, it feels like something is constantly falling out of your crotch. And lamaze, forget it. You know how to breath, but do you know how to shit on a table in front of a minimum of three people and be okay with it?
2. You will not know what you are doing at all when you bring your baby home, and it’s still going to be ok. No one expects you to be a pro. The other day, I bought a computer cover for my son’s computer at Best Buy. I needed to show my Id with my credit card, and my receipt when I exited the store. I don’t remember having to show or do anything when I left the hospital with my baby. I guess they think, if you want to try with this baby, go ahead. But if you want to protect your computer, prove it. And let me tell you, not so easy to put the cover on that computer.
3. You will be shit on once you have kids. And I don’t mean treated badly. I mean, you will have another human shit on you. Whether you put your finger down their diaper to check them, or after a bath, before you dress them, there will be shit, and it will be on you.
4. You will experience an exhaustion like you have never felt before. It’s a delirious exhaustion. You might even hallucinate from time to time. Like that time we had in college. You will cry from it when watching Price Is Right and nursing your baby. You will fight with your spouse about who is more exhausted. You will both agree that sex is never happening again, and you will hate your spouse when his/her eyes are closed and yours are not. Just know this exhaustion passes. And there is always botox to appear more awake.
5. There are stages to every part of raising your baby. Everyone goes through them. Don’t ever overreact to any stage. They are totally normal. Don’t ever listen to the other moms who never have complaints and say their kid is perfect. Those moms shop at Talbots, their homes always eerily spotless, they wear headbands, and their kids are named Charles. Always just Charles. They are never Charlie. But you will be smart and know that some stages are magical, some suck. Child falling asleep on you, magical, child never falling asleep on their own, horrific. Child learning to sit up, so awesome that you actually make at least five phone calls to share the news, child learning to walk, great too, but it’s over for you.
6. About 7 months in, you really start getting good at this kid thing. Your baby bag is like a MacGyver kit. You know to have cheerios, plastic keys, a blanket with animal face on it, diapers, wipes, change of clothes, an ipad, benadryl, gas Mylicon drops, and a live person who dresses as a princess or a pirate on call. Just make sure they aren’t that big, and can fit in a bag.
7. Force yourself to be a relaxed parent. In the beginning, I was not with my first. We were nervous. We cut grapes into 24/1, and when he was old enough for the movies, we broke the popcorn into popcorn crumbs( patent pending). We eased up, and learned that relaxed parents create relaxed kids.
8. Babies grow up into kids, then young adults. Young adults who roll their eyes. Young adults who tell you you are annoying. Young adults who might use colorful words like “fucking annoying.” Young adults who only want food and shelter from you. And I am telling you now, with your child still in your belly, that this too is normal, and that you should buy a really expensive handbag rather than pay someone to tell you that all kids dislike their parents at some point.
9. Okay. These next two items on the registry are like the crib and expensive stroller. And not cliche at all. First. Everything is going to feel surreal. Like you really can’t believe you have this human. Then one day, it just feels natural. And you can’t believe you haven’t been with them for your whole life.
10. Take help when people offer. No rewards for doing it all yourself. I want to babysit. And I promise I won’t drink with your kid….even though mine seem perfectly okay.
Additional Items For Purchase At the Don’t Wear Sweats Registry XOXOXO