My friend calls me. She sounds panicked. I just got back from the gynecologist. He asked me a bunch of questions.
When was your last period?
— It?s been six months.
Have you been feeling edgy and irritable lately?
–Yes, I kind of want to kill everyone.
Do you feel like your skin has lost its elasticity?
–I?ve been staring at it and playing with it in the mirror for the past week.
Have you been getting hot flashes often?
–Put it this way, during the cold front, my family huddled up near me.
Was the last number you thought of between 1 and 10, 6?
–Yes!! What the f!ck?
I’m in early menopause. she tells me. I hear the devastation through the phone.
Holy shit! I say. You are officially my oldest friend. I realize that?s not very comforting. So I try again. Well, when we travel, maybe we can board early when they call for anyone who might need some extra assistance. That?s good right?
Shit!! What?s wrong with me? Am I just trying to make jokes cause this will be me in a few years? Wait. This will be me in a few years? Can?t be. I just jumped up and down in LA when we saw Hilary Duff. I can?t be associated with people in the menopause stage.
I felt badly for my friend. And then, I felt badly for all of us women. We are going to lose our periods, our control over our moods, the tightness of our skin. I didn?t know all of this stuff was on loan. Is there anything I get to keep?
1-My family, until my boys marry and leave me for good.
2-My wisdom, learned over the course of my life that I want to share with my children, until they say, ?Butt out, it?s my life.?
3-My friendships, until all my friends start going through menopause and we are all so bitchy that we don?t want to make plans with each other anymore.
4-My cute underwear, until I start peeing uncontrollably.
5-My freedom, until Scott wants to start going shopping with me and to the nail salon to hold my purse.
6-My experiences, until I realize my disappointment that I never walked the Great Wall of China, and I?m kind of tired now.
But I?m definitely keeping my awesome, worn in, vintage Levis I bought in college, until the uncontrollable weight gain from menopause sets in and I can?t button them anymore.
Do you sense that I am pretty irritable right now? I?m calling my Gyno.