I never claimed to be that unique. So of course, last night I went with a few girlfriends to see 50 Shades of Grey. And it was great. Sure some will say it was stupid, that not much happened, that it was unrealistic. But what movie isn?t? Jennifer Lopez as a US Marshall in Out of Sight? Catherine Zeta Jones in love with an ancient Sean Connery in Entrapment? Kim K having multiple orgasms with Ray J? Please. All I know is 50 Shades brought me back to the first time I saw 9 1/2 weeks with Kim Basinger and a hot Mickey Rourke. After that movie, I went straight to Bebe and bought a pinstriped suit. Both movies were sexy and taboo, and started conversation. 

And I knew when I came home last night, I would talk to Scott about it. I didn?t know when I came home, I would be met by my 15year old son. ?Hey mom, how was it? What was your favorite part??

Um ewwhh!! Talk about taking the wind out of my horny sails. But I was still determined. I would go straight upstairs and find a pair of my husband?s jeans, and make perfect rips in them so he could look like Christian Grey before he abused Anastasia. And I knew Scott would be waiting up for me wide-eyed. As he has heard all the chatter about the books, seen the SNL skits, to know that he would probably get pretty lucky. I told him about the movie. That Dakota had the perfect ass. That the sex scenes were pretty amazing. That this guy was crazy hot. That maybe he could now spank me. So I lay down in our bed. He began to make his massage move. I call it the massage with strings attached move. And then, I started snoring. A little too much sake and pinot. A little too much popcorn with peanut m and m?s. And the fantasy was dead.

I felt horrible. This movie is supposed to ignite something. It?s supposed to change our lives. So today I decided I wanted to make a contract with Scott like Christian proposed to Anastasia. It?s kind of brilliant. If both parties know what each person wants, no one is disappointed. Everyone is satisfied, and maybe covered in Neosporin.

Here?s a few clauses from our contract: Of course, I?ve adapted from the movie, cause they seemed pretty happy in the playroom:

Wife will allow spanking with unused kitchen spatulas if Husband says ?hi? to my mom before she says ?hello? to him and then complains to Wife that said Husband never says ?hi?.

Wife will allow husband to tie wife?s wrists up with plastic grocery store bags if Husband agrees to do the grocery shopping.

Husband can blindfold wife and do as he pleases if said blindfold is from Hermes and can be transformed into a top and headscarf. 

Wife shall allow flogging if Husband promises to never emit gas in Wife?s presence… unless Christian does that in the sequel.

Husband may use exercise bands on bedroom door to restrain wife if husband agrees to make wife coffee every morning. Can spill a little hot coffee on Wife if he gets her a second cup. Also, can use the advanced black bands if husband feeds dogs too.

Wife will allow husband to bathe her on a regular basis if Husband learns how to give a professional blow dry like the Dry Bars.

Husband and Wife both agree to not make any noise from their unavoidable ecstasy as their Kids? rooms are literally right next door and Kids will be scarred for life.

Enjoy the movie.