Humor, Mommy Lessons, Raising Kids,

Do Babies Come With Care Instructions?

No. My friends aren't Kate and Will. Or are they?

No. My friends aren’t Kate and Will. Or are they?

Friends of ours recently had a baby. It really is such an exciting and unbelievably scary time for them.  New parents will get the necessary advice from friends like:

-Babies love cheerios so make sure to get the cutest cheerios holder ever. And not just one. You need to have at least four containers.

-If your baby wears light up sneakers, they will be mocked on the playground.

-A diaper genie in the baby room is like having a toilet in the middle of your master bedroom.

-The Devil produced The Wiggles.

-You will hate your spouse, and think of ways to hurt him, if he is sleeping and you are not.

-Don’t ever let your baby know that there is a place called Disney.

-Teach your baby how to blow his own nose early on. Baby snot is never adorable.

-Family Guy is not a baby cartoon.

-Accept all babysitting offers, unless they have a record.

-See if North West is free for playdates. I heard she has a Lamborghini.


All good, and very useful advice.  I started to think about the best piece of advice I could give them about being a first time parent. Not that they have asked me yet. Do they think I?m not a good parent just because they saw one of my kids give me the finger? Anyways.. I thought about it, and this is what I want to share with them.

You know how when you drive to a place you have never been before and it feels like it takes forever to get there? Then, on the way home, you say, ?Wow, it was so much faster on the way back.?

Well, I realized that is kind of how this whole parenting thing goes as well. When you first have a child, you have no idea where you are going. Confused, do you take highways or service roads? You are constantly trying to figure out the best route between A and B.  Eventually you figure out the perfect way to get there, and the ride seems easier and shorter.

Everyone tries to be helpful and give you the best directions. We have all had those know-it-all parents who try to help you, and when they are talking all you want is for their baby to throw up on them. And not the little spit up either. I’m talking the stomach bug throw up.

But you realize that you have to try out a few routes for yourself, and develop your own GPS.

I'm smiling, but all I am thinking is, I have no idea what to do when i leave this hospital. I didn't think past selecting my going home outfit of this gorgeous baby pink Juicy sweatsuit.

I’m smiling, but all I am thinking is, I have no idea what to do when I leave this hospital. I didn’t think past selecting my going home outfit of this gorgeous baby pink Juicy sweatsuit.

So that?s basically it. You will figure it out, don?t stress, and just make sure you pack a lot of snacks for the trip. Oh, and maybe one of those portable toilets where your kid just sits on the side of the road, for all to see, and takes a crap. (Thanks Mom and Dad, and no, I am not over it. I don?t forgive you.)

Now, do I still need to buy my friends something off their baby registry?

Tags: new baby, new parents, parenting,