I am lying on the table.  Still a little out of it.  But awake enough to hear people around me.  ?Why is her gown up?? one nurse asks.  ?It was a mess in there!? the other responds.  I think they think I am sleeping.  Did I just hear them discussing that I -you know what- on the operating table in front of a minimum of four people?  It?s colonoscopy day and I hadn?t followed prep instructions that great.  I am thirty-nine, had just completed my third colonoscopy, and my second poop on a table?..  That I know of.  The last time was when I delivered my first child.

So lying on the table with my gown at my waist, still under the effects of anesthesia, I came to the conclusion that I need to change things up a little.

Change things up a little is code for ?mama is going to lose it if she doesn?t start doing something else?something other than pooping on tables.   Some may call this a midlife crisis.

So how does this crisis manifest itself?  Sometimes very innocently.  Like when a 16 year old bag boy from my grocery store tells me he wants to have kids very young and I throw him against my car and beg him to go to college, find a good career, be married for a while then think about having kids.

Then there are times when I am shopping at Abercrombie and I stare with disgust at the cute sales girl and scream, ?Listen bitch, I am just as cute as you and my body is still hot enough to wear these jeans that will reveal the top of my vagina.  Now get me a size four and lower that music.?

I trip the salesgirl on the way out, strutting in my brand new jeans.  For that moment, I am okay with turning forty.

Superficial tip: Make friends with older people.

Jen Ross, Author “Dont Wear Sweats Or Your Husband Will Leave You”