I admit it. I watched a lot of Kimye wedding coverage. I mean, say what you want about them, it was something to see. The excess, the selfies, the cheekbones. By all news accounts a spectacular affair. Something, I’m sure, the newlyweds will take a long time to come down from.
Aside from the Best Buy top of the line tripod I bought the happy couple, I thought I would offer them a little marriage advice. Sure, Kim has been married two more times than I have, but something tells me she still has stuff to learn.
My Dear and Kim and Kanye:
First, you two should consider yourselves ahead of the game already as I believe fights over sex and money break up most marriages. You guys never need to worry about funds, as your workout clothes cost more than most college tuitions. And the sex department, well, I saw Kim’s work, and I think Kanye will be happy for a while.
1. You are partners in life now. When one of you makes a decision, it affects the other person. You have to make sure to check in with each other. Now, I don’t know you all that well, or at all, but it seems like you both have a lot of self confidence. That you are never told not to do something. With marriage, you are constantly told not to do shit. Your plans might not work well with your spouses’s. You have to accept that you aren’t always going to get your way. Compromises will have to be made. Just the other day, Scott asked me to straddle him topless on a motorcyle while we rode through the mountains. I nixed that idea. That’s marriage.
2. As you know by now, Kanye, when you marry the girl, you marry the family. Don’t let each other’s families come between you guys. Be on the same page with your decisions about family functions and commitments. And you both should agree that Kris is super embarrassing, rather than fight about it.
3. Understand that marriage isn’t all about fireworks and Versailles. Listen guys. You lead a very glamorous plush life. I think it’s great. But not everything in marriage is going to be a great big event, with excitement at every turn. A lot of the time, married life, family life, is made up of sweet, quieter moments. And other times, it’s just plain boring. As long as you pay attention to how you guys are feeling, and make sure you don’t get too comfortable, it can work out. Like just the other day, things were getting a little slow around here, so Scott and I ordered from a totally different pizza place. It was pretty mind-blowing!!
4. Be a good example to North. Be respectful to each other so your kids grow up feeling safe and loved, and so that they learn what a great relationship looks like. And explain to her why you called her North.
5. Accept each other’s flaws. Right now, you guys are thinking you found the perfect person. You had John Legend sing All of Me to you at your wedding. And it’s such a beautiful song. But it’s kind of bullshit. All of you will not love all of her. Over the years, you will get irritated. Maybe Kanye will be annoyed by your shopping, Kim, or your changing face, maybe you won’t find it charming when he runs onto the Billboard awards show stage. Maybe he won’t love your tush when it gets a little more mush, and maybe you won’t love that he doesn’t stick up for you with Beyonce. A good marriage means knowing that your mate isn’t perfect, but loving them anyway.
So I think my wedding gift is pretty generous. A tripod and good advice. The least you can do is send me a home movie of married life. I’m still having a hard time getting the old one out of my head.