It?s my time of the month ?again, which I could have sworn just happened, but I always forget to write down when I get it, so the CVS guy has become my cycle calendar when he asks, ?Weren?t you just here getting these??
Back at home, I tell my daughter Julia that I just got my period. She hears me grunt in agony, and sees me pop an Aleve. So I think she has a pretty good idea that I don?t love it. Sure I could hide my pain, sugarcoat it by saying how amazing it is that we can carry babies, but won?t the truth help her more? Shouldn?t she know the truth about things now, rather than go through years of painful discovery?
-Periods suck. You will only feel good about yourself one week a month.
-You think fifth grade girls are rough? Try forty-somethings all planning Bar Mitzvahs at the same time.
-You want to look older, wear makeup and heels? Get this. I pay about $500.00 every three months to have someone shoot poison in my face to look three months younger. Appreciate your youth and go play with a goddamn doll.
-Have a career. I love you and your brothers, but sometimes, just a little bit, and don?t feel bad about this at all, really, you are great, I feel like if I had started earlier in my career, I could have avoided making your lunches.
-I wish I could tell you life isn?t exactly like that movie The Truth About Cats and Dogs with Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofalo. I really wish I could. But I can?t. I can just tell you to stay true to your personality and values, but always have a tweezer, mascara, and lipgloss handy too.
-How many friends do you have right now that you can tell secrets to and trust? That number ain?t going up. (Don?t use ?ain?t? unless you are trying to be sassy like me.)
-Enjoy high-waisted shorts while it lasts.
-Right now you are only eleven and aren?t interested in boys. But one day you will fall in love and want to get married. Just know that from that point on you will feel something in your life that you?ve never consistently felt before??.annoyed.
-Be successful in your own right, but when you do marry, you can find a man you love and who also has direction and ambition. Money doesn?t buy happiness, but it will buy the gluten free popcorn from Whole Foods that you like.
-Chicken fingers and pizza are not food groups and will eventually go straight to your ass. I know this for a fact, as I?ve been picking off your plate when you aren?t looking. Eat well and you will feel good and live an energy filled, healthy life!!
-Be nice to everyone, but beware of ultra nice people who always smile. Something about them I don?t trust.
-Don?t send naked pictures of yourself to anyone. Wanna see Jennifer Lawrence from Hunger Games naked?
-Have as much fun as you legally can because when you get to my age, your Saturday nights may include in depth discussions about which shows you are binge watching and two glasses of Pinot that give Mama the spins.
-Never stop hanging out with me. I know everything!
Now can you go grab mom a tampon?