You know those bragging moms who could talk to you for hours about their kids. How sweet they are. How considerate. They ?do this, they do that?. I am not one of those moms. I might even be the polar opposite of those moms.
I do love my kid. Think the kid is pretty amazing. Lots of great qualities I too could brag about with the braggy moms. But lately, I like to talk mostly of my kid’s bout of assholitis. I have actually searched the Physicians Desk Reference, and WebMD for the ailment, assholitis. I haven?t found it, and am contemplating trademark ownership and eventually, the Pulitzer Prize. Maybe just t-shirts, not sure.
But I truly believe my kid is afflicted and I don?t know what to do. I try to be patient and understanding when the mere sound of my voice saying his/her name is welcomed, (welcomed is probably the wrong word) with an obnoxious, irrationally sounding annoyed, ?What?!!??
I try to buy the kid?s love and maybe he/she will be nice to me tactic. I savor that ?thank you? after I return from the gaming store for the second time because the first try they were sold out. I use the memory of that “thank you” like a warm blanket.
I go with the ?maybe something is really bothering him/her and he/she is so upset that he/she is taking it out on the one he loves most in his/her life.? Then I observe him/her laughing and joking with friends, smile so big I realize some of his/her teeth have come in that we have been waiting on.
Scott and I have run some of those intervention type talks with him/her, where we tell him/her how this assholitis is affecting the family. How we love him/her and are there for him/her. We get in return a disgusted look with the top of his/her lip arched a bit on one side, eyes squinted.
I talk with friends who assure me that they too have a child with assholitis. We just need to ?get through it? they say. ?Ride it out.? Should I organize a support group? Maybe that is why Starbucks is so crowded with women my age. Maybe they are part of Moms Dealing with Assholitis.
I get it. Kids have a hard time with getting older and all the changes that come with it. They don?t know how to deal with it. But part of me wants to say, ?I really don?t give a shit.” I am dealing with a lot of changes too. My face has fallen and it can?t get up! (article coming soon). I try to keep the marriage fresh, body tight, humor funny, homework done, kids fed, parents and in-laws happy. Maybe I should just walk around my house giving everyone the bird like my kid does.
You know what? I am going to try that! Seriously, as I write this post, I just came up with a brilliant parenting strategy that I am sure would not be approved by any therapist!!
For the next week, or until my husband threatens divorce, I will come down with a case of assholitis. I will scream ?what?? when my kid asks me something. I will only be nice when he/she complements me. I may even tell him/her to make his/her own food and turn on his/her own shower!! I will never smile in front of kid, but will laugh hysterically on every phone conversation I have with friends.
Yup. This is gonna be good to see how the other half lives. I’ll let you know how it works out. And to think, I don’t even have a PHD. Pretty impressive.