Dear Selena Gomez,
Let me preface this letter by saying that I had a very difficult morning before your concert. I had to go to the doctor to have leg veins removed. As I sat in the chair waiting for the doctor, in medical shorts, I said to myself, “Jen, is this it. Is this your future? Green protruding veins?” And then, as if it couldn’t get any worse, in walks a gorgeous thirty-four year old doctor. He made me so nervous I started doing a whole stand-up routine about the medical shorts. “Oh, aren’t these cute, I think I’ll wear them out and belt them.” I sounded ridiculous!! As he begins to survey the damage, he asks me if I have children. “Three,” I say. ” Wow, where did they come from? You look great for having three children.” Just kill me now. He may as well have said, “Will you be paying for this visit with your Medicare card?” And so, for the rest of the visit, I kept saying dumb and sometimes very inappropriate jokes. I actually don’t think he will see me again.
So I was fragile. But I want you to know I was very happy at your concert. My daughter loved it and we had a real bonding night.
We discussed your past relationship with Bieber and I explained that we all have had douchey boyfriends in our past, and that you probably got some of his good tank tops and a little more fame when you broke up.
We talked about cellulite because Julia kept hearing me say, ?I can?t wait till Selena gets cellulite.?
She asked me if you had hair extensions and if she could get some, and I told her you had them because you had horrible frizzy hair.
During the show, Julia ate chicken fingers and popcorn and I pretended to eat because I just saw a picture of you, veinless, in a bathing suit, and I decided to be hungry, because you must be too.
She asked me if I thought your mom was at the concert, and it made me realize that I am actually too old to be your mom, and she could be married to my doctor. (Damn those teen pregnancies!)
After the concert, Julia told me how much she loved it and thanked me for taking her. And other than the constant feeling of bitterness and envy for your youth and talent, I too had a great night.
Seriously, where are your pores? My doctor this morning told me I can’t get rid of mine.
A loving mom, who needs to wear compression panty hose for the next five days, but who is also very talented when she sings Jay Z?s Holy Grail alone in her car.