I pride myself on always being super punctual. my whole life I have been on time. perhaps my mother instilled it in me, but I consider it a really good quality and have actually gotten in mini fights with friends over their tardiness and get all mob on them, telling them they show me no respect when they keep me waiting, and I might even threaten to kill them if it happens again, or at least cut the head off a stuffed animal at their house.
Having said that I am finding that I am running five to ten minutes late . But in my defense, now 43, I have a lot more to do.
1) I’m late because I need at least 10 minutes to come to terms with what I see in the mirror first thing. Am I such a deep sleeper that I didn’t realize someone beat me up? Did I party with Guns and Roses last night?
-I’m late because I’m shaving…my face!!! That’s right. I from time to time shave my face. I just found the cutest little razor in a drug store, and when I see a little too much fuzz I go for it. It also helps remove some dead skin. Listen, I’m only admitting this because we all have a little facial hair growth. Don’t we? Don’t we?
-I’m late because I’m dry brushing my skin. I have read about this for a very long time. and over the years have tried to do it. Sometimes I am in too much of a rush because of my punctual gene, but no more. I am dry brushing, before I get in the shower, I take my dry brush and gently, but with a little 50 Shades vibe, rub my skin from the chest down. This is supposed to rid your body of toxins, stimulate circulation. I like it because my skin feels softer.
-I’m covering myself in coconut oil. Right after the shower, while still in, I apply coconut oil all over my body. I’ve told you guys how much I enjoy coconut oil. My skin is sensitive and this doesn’t irritate. It’s a great moisturizer, and my skin is smooth and soft.
I’m late because I’m washing my face. Listen, growing up we used some Noxema, or dare I say, regular soap, washed our face, and left. Now we come to find out that we were slowly killing ourselves. Well, maybe not killing ourselves, maybe just leaving a lot of dead cells. Now we have to use the Clarsonic or the Mio to really clean our skin.
-I’m late because I need to tone and contour my face. So when I have had facials they would use this device on me. Mini electrical currents applied to my face. The theory that it stimulates the muscles and will tighten and tone my skin. When I use it, I definitely see a difference. It’s just I need to be more consistent, or get someone to live with me who will do it for me on a regular basis. Yeah, I’m talking to you JLO, I know you have someone. It’s just your sister doesn’t want to put that on her resume.
-I’m late because I’m applying a minimum of five facial products. Ever wonder why a beauty company can’t just combine all the good stuff in one? I think to torture us. after I wash I apply a vitamin c, then eye cream, then hyaluronic acid, then moisturizer, then sunscreen. I’m literally exhausted every time. I try a lot of different products, and commit once I see results. I just want clear skin, a little glow, and I want the texture of my skin to feel good. Is that too much to ask?
-I’m late because I’m creating natural no makeup look with primer, cover up, foundation, eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, lipstick and gloss. Usually if I’m just running out for the day it’s LLC lashes lip cheek, but if I’m meeting someone for something special I go the extra mile. That means figuring out how to apply eyeliner which seems new to me every time, covering up my under eye circles, mixing twelve lipsticks to achieve the perfect shade, etc. I have actually been watching videos lately that have really helped.
-I’m late because I’m figuring out what to wear. At 43, every time I get dressed, first question, am I trying too hard? It’s a fine line. I’m in shape and enjoy cute clothes. For me, the trick is, never go too trendy. Also known as, if my daughter is wearing it, I can’t. I like pretty blouses, a great fitting pair of jeans. good tank and blazer. The easiest and quickest way to get out of the house? Dresses or jumpsuits.
-I’m late because I have to pee again. I was really a camel. Never had to pee. Actually got annoyed with people who peed. Now, because I force myself to drink water, I have to pee with such urgency that I run like I am the last one left to save us all from a bomb and I’m the only one who knows how to cut the red wire.
I’m late because I got really tired from doing all this shit. I have to lay down. I’m actually not going to meet you out.
But I look good.