Husbands, Sex,

Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!! I Read that 50 Shades Book

So much in recent weeks about the 50 Shades trilogy, I thought I would offer my two cents.

I had a friend who recommended the books to me.  Told me they would make me horny.  Yada Yada Yada, I read them at record speed, didn’t answer the phone, ignored my children. They are fine.

I thought the books were unbelievably stupid.  How many conversations can two people have about whether they have eaten and if they want to take a bath.  How many people can have sex seven times a day, with the girl still pathetically saying, “I feel distance between us.”

Having said all of that, I will admit that the descriptive sex scenes were hot, I did get a little special feeling in my sex, as I guess this is what British people call their parts.

I started thinking of different scenarios of what my life would be like if I applied things in my real life that I learned from the book.  Like I would be in the deli counter line, they call my number to order, and the silver balls fall out from under my skirt. “I’d like a pound of Boars Head turkey”, I’d say, stonefaced.

I would look at Scott sometimes while I was reading and think, “we could always put an addition on the house for our “playroom”.

But maybe we should be a little crazier.  Maybe instead of Tuesdays where he’s on top, we should have me on top.  Maybe when we get home from a party, I shouldn’t take the twenty minutes it takes to wash my face before we go at it.  Stuff like that.

But then I thought of something else.  Now I do love this whole girl sorority thing this book has created. Those who have read the series have a special wink and handshake.  We have code words, and I am in charge of getting special robes.  I am also in charge of sewing special patches on the robes depending upon what place you are in the series.

I am now thinking of submitting an amendment to the sorority.  What if we let our guys read sections from the book?  I imagine they will read the sections, and see us in a whole new light.  I imagine my husband will be impressed that I have been so obsessed with these books, or maybe he will get all Rush Limbaugh on me and call me a “dirty slut”.  Either way ladies, it’s a win, win.

We have all gotten something different out of reading these books.  For me,  they mostly reminded me that after fifteen years of marriage, I still want to have sex with my husband….

and that I need to take a trip to my local hardware store.

Jen Ross, Author, “Don’t Wear Sweats Or Your Husband Will Leave You”

Tags: 50 Shades, funny blogs, funny moms, husbands, moms, relationships,