You know I think there aren?t a crazy amount of positives about getting older. And I know I write about it a lot. Consider each article a cry for help. But, when you get older, your body and mind just remind you of it every day. Like, adding 8 +5 takes a little bit longer. (13, right?) And the body, well, it is like every day there is a new surprise. But never the good kind. More like…“Surprise, your knees have wrinkles.” Or.. “Surprise, you can hold your keys in the fold between the bottom of your stomach and your jeans.”
And like I have said before, it?s the little changes that make you aware of your age. Yesterday, my friend and I went to a spa. It was a special occasion. We were celebrating her husband and kids being out of town. When we booked our appointments, I realized that a regular relaxing Swedish massage wasn?t going to cut it. I perused the spa brochure for two very important words. Firming and Contouring. And I found it! The Contour and Firm Body treatment. Now the young me would look for words like soothing and relaxing. I would enjoy a regular Swedish massage and even dose off during. I remember those times fondly. I would go in, lay down, ?massage here, massage there, massage, oh, please don?t touch there, wait, are you supposed to touch there, wait, are you gay, ok, go ahead,? and I?m relaxed.
Today, at almost 42, this wasn?t going to cut it. No more relaxing for me. I had to use my time wisely, as Father Time is saying FU! to me. The treatment had to mean something. My body had to be improved after I was done.
So let me break it down. Basically, after the initial smile and innocuous questions about my health, then, all bets were off. The aesthetician began by scrubbing my body with a dry brush like Mommy Dearest made her kid clean the floors with. After that, she makes sure there are no scabs, or at the very least, that the blood has dried, and she takes ice-cold washcloths to wipe down my body. Imagine if the polar vortex came to South Florida. Then, what I think is relief. She spread algae over my entire naked body, and wrapped me up you in plastic, like Dexter did with all of his victims. Just when I am about to doze off, she unwraps me and instructs me to shower with shower mits and wipe off the remains of the algae. I then exit the shower like I imagine female inmates do after they have been strip-searched. I lay back down on the bed where she proceeded to rub down my muscles with such vigor that I felt like I was in real trouble. Lotion applied, skin softened, me frightened, the treatment was over.
I wiped away the tears, and thanked her through my cracked voice.
In the end, my body was a little firmer. Then I ate a chip, and it all fell down. I booked another one for next month.