It?s been two weeks since my kids have been away at camp and their teen tour. And yes I miss them. I try to write every day, but I have been noticing that my letters haven?t varied very much. I usually tell them it?s super hot in Florida, that they are so lucky to be at camp, and that I am really bored. That way, they don?t miss me, and won?t think they are missing anything at home.
But then I got to thinking. what would a truly honest camp letter look like? If I really told them about my summer?
Dear Ben, Jack, and Julia, Hi guys. Hope your plane ride was great. I want you to know after I dropped you at the airport, after the long hugs and kisses, and after I stayed at the gate as long as the other parents so as to not appear to seem too anxious about getting the summer ball rolling, I came home with Daddy, got back into bed, (it was only 6am btw), and watched three straight hours of Orange Is the New Black. It?s a show about a woman?s prison, and apparently everyone is a good looking lesbian in it, and Daddy and I don?t like to watch those shows in front of you. I know I tell you not to watch hours upon hours of television, but as soon as you leave, it?s kind of something I like to do. We actually poll the other parents to find out about other Netflix shows we can binge watch. Oh yeah, remember how I told you my summer was going to be so lame, that I really just wanted to clean closets and get super organized? Well, other than my own, I haven?t seen any other closet. It just doesn?t seem that much fun for me. I mean, should I really spend my weeks of freedom searching for missing Jenga pieces? You guys get it right? You don’t even play Jenga anymore. Instead, Daddy and I have gone away, and are trying to set our best summer record with how much we can eat together and still find each other attractive. For some reason, when you guys are away, I eat A LOT. And cheese is somehow my best friend. If there is cheese anywhere, I eat it. Even the one that looks like it?s moldy, but really isn?t. It?s as if I feel like you guys would judge me or something, like you require me to be thin. And Mommy has also been hitting the bottle. I don?t want to brag, but I am developing Courtney Love?s tolerance. Maybe the trip to Napa inspired me, maybe I am in search of the perfect tannins, (that?s Napa talk) but when it?s summer, I get a better understanding of Scott Disick?s lifestyle choices. Another thing Mommy and Daddy do in the summer. We act like toddlers and carve out time for naps. Guys! I don?t think you understand how good my naps have been. It?s 3pm on a Saturday, and I can get in bed and just fall asleep and drool. It?s amazing!!! Like riflery or crafts at camp is for you. Also, around nap time, Daddy and Mommy also have had a lot of special playdates which sometimes works out better when we don?t think someone is going to interrupt our playdate because our toilet is somehow better than theirs. The important thing to know is that Mommy and Daddy are having a great summer, we miss you a lot, and we sent a check for camp for next summer. It’s not refundable so you are going back, and you guys are super lucky to have parents who are able to turn back into responsible human beings as soon as you get home. See you soon, got to go, have yummy brie in the oven. xoxo MommyYou like? Checkout more summer fun with: A Mom Packs Camp Trucks Alone and My Kids Giving Me The Silent Treatment and I like It.
