As I type this I am actually scared! I feel like she is everywhere and knows everything. I am talking about Oprah, of course. I have Sirius radio, which I purchased to get the Howard Stern Show, but from time to time I will put on Oprah Radio.
She now has radio segments called Oprah?s Lifeclass and Soul Series. Sometimes, it’s just people reading poetry really slowly. I truly believe that when you achieve such incredible success and wealth as Oprah has, you are looking for deeper meaning in everything. Even if there isn?t. In one of her Lifeclasses, she was relaying how she had an incredible experience with a yogi in India and she went through this exercise with her audience.
?Think of an oak tree, now think of a red triangle; now think of a full moon. Now what does this mean to you? ? She proudly declares that she totally ?got it?. She tells her audience, ?It means you can think of things, then stop thinking of them.?
Oprah, no duh? Now I am not the deepest person, but not the most superficial either. But these Lifeclasses, or even worse, that Eat Pray Love book, are lost on me. I find them so unbelievably irritating. I didn?t read Eat Pray Love, obviously didn?t see the movie because of my aversion to you know who. (A Mom’s Confession)
The author in Eat Pray Love was paid to take a tour of the world. She left behind no children, no husband. She ate her way through Europe, had sex with cute men, and then wrote about the deep meanings of life she discovered while eating good pizza.
Me, I am sure in about ten to fifteen years, or when I can go to the bathroom in private without a kid telling me they need me, whichever comes first, I will have some deep revelations about life. For now, I think my Dominos thin crust is pretty close to what heaven feels like; and I am pretty confident that I know what?s in store for me as a Wife and Mother, and I am sure of their meaning:
- By the time we are 37, we will wake up, look in the mirror, and say, ?What the fuck?!!!?
- We will sometimes think of our grocery list during sex.
- We will secretly cry when our girls come home and tell us someone was mean to them.
- We will secretly cry when our boys get rejected because we think they are perfect.
- We will call our kids assholes.
- We will think we are fat more than we think we are skinny.
- We will strongly dislike our husbands.
- We will thank our lucky stars we found our husbands.
- We will stretch four slices of turkey into three school lunch sandwiches.
- We will try to make a convincing argument to our children that Algebra is important in life.
- We will pull our eyes up and to the side while sitting in the horrible light in the hair salon.
- We won?t go to sleep until our driving teenagers get home.
- We will worry daily about our kids? happiness.
- We will marvel daily that we are raising children.
- We will sound like our mothers no matter our resistance.
- We will become mother-in-laws.
- We will tell our husbands we will have sex every day, and not.
- We will try to act out a page from Fifty Shades?and get injured.
- We will try to convince our kids we are cool.
- We will hide our shopping bags in the car until our husbands leave the house.
- We will grab our kids? tushies until it becomes gross.
- We will worry about something every day.
- We will laugh every day.
- We will cry from happiness.
- We will always make lists.
Shit, I think I see Oprah in the bushes, and she looks pissed!
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