Let me tell ya. I think my daughter is pretty lucky to have a mom who cuts through the bullshit. I am like Mr. Miyagi, and she is my Danielson. I am like Doc, and she is my Marty McFly. You get the message. I know shit. And after I wrote my post, The Real Marriage Experts, I realized that my daughter will one day look to me for good advice. I can?t just teach her that I think threading your eyebrows is better than waxing. I need to teach her about how to find the right guy. I will give her the real deal.
Now I have taken her young age into consideration, and because she is only eight and still thinks a red shirt matches beautifully with lavender shorts, I will probably wait until she is ten to offer her my wisdom.
So the top seven things I will teach my daughter about relationships:
- First, we are sort of smarter than men. Underground studies have been done to prove this fact, but the information can?t get out. But we are. It is your job to not always remind your guy of this fact. Learn how to say convincingly, “I totally see your point.”
- When you meet your guy?s parents, and your guy calls his mother mommy or mama, tell him you need to use the bathroom and never come back.
- Let your guy know before marriage your general expectations. For example, don?t fart in the marital bed. Don?t wake you from a deep sleep because he feels ?lonely?. Oh yeah, learn how to pretend sleep.
- When it comes to babies, let him know that if he?s going to help you make them he?s going to help you change their crap and deal with all of the other crap that will come with having kids.
- Don?t be over-impressed by grand gestures from your guy. It?s the little things that matter. When your Dad goes grocery shopping and comes home with the weekly tabloids, I feel loved.
- In any relationship, your guy will annoy the shit out of you, and you him. The ones that last are when the good stuff outweighs the annoying stuff. When your father eats almonds, I literally imagine a good scenario where I get rid of him and I am profiled on Dateline. But then there are times when he is so good, that I let him eat at least three almonds in front of me.
- Although we would like our guy to be like John Cusack from Say Anything, which I will make your watch, it is not that realistic. Your guy is probably not going to hold his Ipod over his head with your love song blaring. And truth be told, John Cusack seemed a little mental throughout the movie. Point is, a relationship is not all music montages and Cameron Crowe dialogue. Be realistic.
Now let?s go get threaded.